The above image is a reflection of the desires of a contemporarily anonymous editor.

24 February 2004

GOLETA, CA — Chargers, Valentines Day has passed us by. Now that the capitalist–approved day of romance is done, it can be hard to know when one should shoot their shot. But fret not, you hormonal little bunnies, we here at the DPHS Portable have come to a key conclusion: it’s not about when to make your move, but where. If the mood is set and the setting is right, you can score anytime, regardless of what day of the year it is, whether that’s on your dating anniversary or the anniversary of their dog’s death, you can start snogging your chosen beau whenever you like in these premier locations.

Counting down our top five places on campus to eat your partner’s face in this ordered list. Use these skills at your own risk dear reader, the DPHS Portable is in full support of, in gentle words, experimentation, but our editorial team is distinctly opposed to teen pregnancy. Our lawyers have asked us to include the following disclaimer:

We are not liable for any child support payments our tips — or yours — may lead to.

The 5 Top Spots, Ranked:

5. The chairs outside of the Counselors’ Offices

First on our list, we have the line of chairs most people sit in while waiting for their counselor. Gallivant on over here with your sweetheart to get some one-on-one counseling in these chairs—or even a group session; we don’t judge.

Keep in mind that you are liable to overhear other students planning to graduate early as you slip further towards your academic demise. 

4. On Stage in EPAC

According to a survey from members of the Dos Pueblos Theatre Company, onstage Frenching — a Gallicism doubly so — is recommended by 78% of actors and 60% of the theatre’s crew. The band students performing on stage in the DP Jazz Festival, when the survey was conducted, gave no comment. 

Our reporters were not able to give a firsthand account of the experience due to the thunderous and symphonic harmony of the band.

3. On set during DP news

As some students may recall, a DP News broadcast this past week featured an extended display of a black screen without audio. This came as a result of our tireless journalists attempting to recreate this make-out experience by running in front of the camera and puckering up. Of course, DP News chose to censor this with a blackslate, which is their right as the broadcasting organization. The dominant reporter gave the smooch four out of five stars, while the - secondary - reported that they wished the smooch itself had been broadcast (instead of the blackslate) and ranked it at three out of five stars. 

The risk of the endeavor factors greatly into our ranking of the DP News Lip Dance.

2. Mr. Shive’s Classroom

The incredible Mr. Shive keeps his classroom open at what feels like all hours of the day. The DPHS Portable ranks it so highly on our incredibly selective list for just that reason: the accessibility. 

1. The DP Mobile

In classic Charger tradition, the DP Mobile ranks No. 1 on our list thanks to the titillating nature of the humongous football helmet. While one needs to have strong connections — “it’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know” — to make this work, this is the prime choice for DP students looking for the juiciest pucker. 

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