GOLETA, CA — The Technology Team at SBUNIFIED recently released a statement regarding the campus-wide power outage that occurred on Monday at Dos Pueblos High School. This follows a months-long period of the Tech Team not being able to respond to this editor’s tech ticket. Apparently, they have the time to release an entire memo about some small power outage. That memo discusses the cause behind the outage, aiming to help all students and staff stay on the same page.

“We understand that this power outage has caused a lot of issues in classrooms.” The report reads. “Teachers need power to run their classroom TVs and generate lesson plans with ChatGPT, so we understand the inconveniences it has caused.”

The DPHS Portable interviewed a student our editing team pulled off the street into a van and hogtied about how the power outage affected his school day.

“Please just let me go!” Kevin Peters (9) said. “My family isn’t even rich! You can’t ransom me! Please God just let me go!”

The report from the SBUNIFIED Tech Team went on to describe the reason behind the outage.

“We have reason to believe that DP has made an enemy with the Lord Up On High.” The report reads. “Many higher-ups within the district board have been discovered to be worshipping false idols, practicing blasphemous sorcery, and fornicating with animals.

We spoke to several members about these claims and, though they declined to give an interview, they made it clear they have no intention to stop.

“We believe that God is punishing the district for our sins with this outage. We’ve phoned many professionals within the Vatican and the Apple Company, and we fear that more may be to come.”

DP students are encouraged to attend the new Divine Retribution Safety club meeting every Thursday at lunch, where like minded students can learn how to keep themselves safe from plagues of frogs, giant floods, CAASP Testing, or any other common ways that God Almighty punishes us.

Please note: This story was privately funded and edited by a certain anonymous club of Usonians. They came into our offices the other day to conduct business, and we still can’t seem to get the smell out.