GOLETA, CA — Today, Friday, Dos Pueblos’ Mock Trial team travels to state championships to compete for a $150,000 cash prize. An interview with an anonymous Mock Trial jurist revealed the team has already spent the money.

“We’ve taken out a loan of $150,000 from the Irish Mob in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day,” she said. “We plan to pay back that money once we win. Which we’re obviously going to. I mean come on.”

Investigation into the team’s financial records show that the team has invested most of their money into a private jet to take them to the competition.

“Most of the other teams will carpool or take a bus to get there, but since we’re better than all of them we figured our transportation should reflect that,” our anonymous jurist told us. “When we fly from SBA to whatever the other one is called, we predict that the sight of our gold plated jet will drive all the other competitors mad while they claw out their own eyes. That would likely hinder their chances.”

When we polled the rest of the team on if they felt they would take home the win this Friday, 65% said “Yes”, and 35% said “Um, of course. What kind of a question is that?” And then kind of laughed at us while we laughed too because it would feel more awkward if we didn’t laugh with them but it still kind of felt like they were laughing at us. You know what I mean?

Regardless, the team’s imminent victory is clear as water. In light of this, some to-be-winners have begun planning for post-courtrooms jubilations; our investigative team found a piece of lined paper from Ms. Savio’s classroom hastily scrawled with plans for a victory lap around the court building itself—this lap would be joined by the Dos Pueblos Cross Country Team.

The DPXC team has been preparing for their long distance competition bracket from Santa Barbara Airport to somewhere in Oakland since this fall—while the DPXC runners would be travelling on foot, their season’s average pace would put them on par with Mock Trial’s gold-plated jet. 

Just imagine how supported the Mock Trial team will feel looking down from their jet and knowing that our very own DPXC Chargers are right there on the ground below them, blazing through the vibrant California countryside. A sight to behold!

Economically speaking, the DPHS Mock Trial team has also broken ground. New reporting from our team at the DPHS Portable reveals that a number of teachers have made bets prediction trades on multiple undisclosed prediction markets.

At the time of publishing, odds are 99% “Yes” to Mock Trial’s victory and 1% “No,”, but in an interview an anonymous teacher informed us that they aim to “win it big” by “betting in all on red” in the hopes that DP’s beloved Mock Trial team loses.

We politely informed the teacher that there is no “red” to bet on, and, moreover, there is a distinct and tangible difference between “betting”, as in the clinically-recognized addictive behavior of gambling, and prediction market trading, which is not gambling and is a normal and healthy thing to do. 

We’d like to wish good luck to all of DP’s student competitors, Ms. Mullin, and any other less important teachers that may be involved.