The Heated Rivalry Between DP & SM

GOLETA, CA — For centuries there have existed two bastions of education within the Santa Barbara Unified school district, Dos Pueblos and San Marcos, (we don’t talk about the other one). These schools have been standing since time began, and as long as anyone can remember they have always been in conflict. The rivalry between these schools runs quite deep. Dos Pueblos has the incredible test scores to back up the quality of their education, and San Marcos also participates in standardized testing. DP has an incredible theatre program with a reputation for putting on amazing shows that the community will love, and San Marcos put on Grease the Musical. San Marcos will loudly boast to be superior in the sports world, however no student has ever attended a DP sporting event, so it’s impossible to confirm or deny this claim.

However, many do not know that this intense rivalry between the two schools has only begun recently in both school’s histories, and only began because of the actions of the school’s previous principals. We sat down to an interview with a former San Marcos principal, (who, in order to protect their anonymity, will use the pseudonym Mr. Topp.), to explain his complicated past with one of Dos Pueblos’ former principals (Who, again for the purposes of anonymity, will be referred to as Mr. Bottom).

“It all began when we served together in the Iraq War.” Mr. Topp explained, “We had been out in the desert for months, without any water or release. The human mind under these conditions… it needs to make do with what it has. When I saw [Mr. Bottom’s] tight little ass moving under his desert camouflage, I realized what had been sitting right under my nose the whole time.”

SM’s old principal became misty eyed as he proceeded to describe his first time copulating with DP’s commander-in-chief, which apparently involved the barrel of an AR-15 and hallucinogenic scorpion poison. 

“We both had wives back home of course.” Mr. Topp continued while dabbing his eyes with a tissue, “I think that was part of what made it so incredible. We both felt so dirty yet so, so alive at that moment.”

After being released from service, Mr. Topp and Mr. Bottom both continued their love tryst without the knowledge of the rest of the world. After several years of increasingly intense and bizarre sexual escapades, they began to fear being exposed.

“We needed a way to throw people off our scent.” Mr. Topp said, “We needed to place ourselves in opposition with each other, so that no one would ever imagine the depths of our connection.”

Mr. Topp went on to explain how himself and Mr. Bottom became principals of two different high schools and created the bitter rivalry in order to make them both seem at odds with each other. They have continued to be secretly involved with each other for as long as this rivalry has persisted. Mr. Topp describes the difficult decision it was to finally share this story with the world.

“[Mr. Bottom] meant the world to me.” Mr Topp declared, “When you have this love for someone, you can’t hide it forever.”

Their decision to come out to the masses was met with intense controversy, and Mr. Topp and Mr. Bottom were both eventually forced to resign as both school’s PTAs had been consistently throwing fruit at them. The students were reportedly all very supportive. However, the combined stress apparently had a toll on the ex-principal’s relationship, causing them to separate.

“Me and Mr. Bottom have separated permanently,” insists Mr. Topp. “I haven’t seen him in years.”

Mr. Bottom refused to give a comment, but he has been seen a few times recently leaving Mr. Topps’ home with a noticeable limp.